A Redeeming Love

I think that the moment we surrender to our failures & falls is when we start accepting & settling for the person we are in our moment of weakness. And in that moment our hearts & spirits are most vulnerable to lies about God; that He hates us, He wants to smite us with our worst nightmare,etc.

The truth is God says this,

 |"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."|

  We are all broken & insufficient in different ways. We will fall prey to the darkness of this world & spit us out feeling miserable & dirty & defeated.
We are defeated if we believe we are-- if we fall for those lies about God.

Christ didn't come to our world to shed blood for the perfect people. Otherwise, He had come in vain. He came for the very moment we would feel most insufficient, dirty, lonely, scared. A drop of His blood covered our shame. "It is finished." That means the moment we start believing the truth that our shame, pain & moments of weakness have already been forgiven & forgotten it is then that we have the ability & power to destroy the lies about God. We have the power through Christ in us to be healed of pain; to be rid of chains that weigh is down & entangle us.

Hey. You may have fallen today, or yesterday or a while ago. You are human & you may fall again. Never, ever forget, never ever underestimate the power of Christ's love for you. Hosea had so much love for his adulterous wife. She would come back, sin, come back & no matter what Hosea had this godly, redeeming love in him for her.

 The Israelites messed up big time, many times. Of course God was angry with them as a parent would be angry at their child for running into dangerous traffic. His anger did not last long. The people of Israel were so incredibly beloved to God. He had so much love & did not give up on them. 

We may relate to Gomer (wife of Hosea) & Israel many times in our life. We fall, we feel incredible shame & pain. Do not stay defeated. Do not give up.Equip yourself with the armor of God. Be prepared for battle every single day. Pray & grow in the fruits of the spirit to be strong against  honey dipped lies. Also, thank God. Have a grateful heart as a weapon against the darkness of this world.

You are loved. You are beautiful. You are forgiven & pure by HIS blood alone and not by your own righteous good-doing. Don't give up. This season of pain won't last. It is an significant season of refinement & strengthening. You belong to Him no matter what you've done or not done.

|"But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.  O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.  I have called you by name; you are mine.  When you go through deep waters,  I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. 

When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.
³ For I am the Lord, your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."|

-Isaiah 43v1-3-

One|Year

Yesterday, 25 March, marks one calendar year since she got to where she was going.

I had been long dreading this one year mark. It wasn't so bad. I wasn't sad, rather, I was happy. I'm happy she isn't suffering the pain of flesh. I know for a fact she is rejoicing in her glorified, young, healthy body. 

To this day, I still can't make myself go to the cemetery. Last May I was forced to go for Mother's day & that was the last time I went.

I don't want to visit her remains. That stuff in the ground is of this world. Those remains caused her & my family so much pain. Those remains aren't her. 

Her soul... is her. 

Though I cannot feel the vibration of life around me I can feel her spirit & all the memories I have of her make her come to life inside of me. 

The day after, I started reading a book called "Life After Life." It's a book by Dr. Moody who studied over 150 cases of clinical deaths in the 1970s. The people he interviewed had physically died at one point & came back to life.

For some of the subjects, the interview was their first time speaking & acknowledging to another person their death experience.

There was one common denominator in passing that stuck out to me: hearing music.

I can just imagine the huge celebration that went on when all the Heavenlies welcomed my mom into everlasting. I can only imagine the beautiful music she heard the moment her soul pulled out of her flesh & into destination: eternity. 

I think of that moment as "when heaven came crashing into earth." 

This song below reminds me of the morning my mama passed. A picture of heaven is painted when I listen to the beginning orchestra part.

That early morning heaven, for a moment, touched earth.

 

I remember that Monday morning. I will never forget it. It was literally the most beautiful day outside that I have ever experienced. It was warm; the sun rays hugged my cold, confused body. I remember sitting on the steps in my back yard reading the plethora of loving & encouraging text messages from friends. 

There was no wind that day but the wind chimes composed the most beautiful song. With no wind. At that time, I had a feeling... my mom.  

God, I miss her.

I miss the beauty of her spirit. I see a similar beauty in the sunsets & sunrises, Springtime & hauntingly beautiful rainy days.

Her anniversary of passing holds beauty to me. The barrier between heaven & earth was thin--tangible. 

Someone I love is in heaven, so heaven is THAT much closer to me.

 

 

A Miracle on the Last Day

What a way to end a fast--and what a fast it has been.

I have been so tremendously tried during Daniel Fast '14 more than I have ever been previous years.

I had my ups and downs with God and me not reading the Bible and TRULY fasting.

I keep a journal for when I 'm fasting. I love going back and reading the mastery of God.

Boy, I can't wait to go back and read His amazing doings from this year.

 And the story beings...

... exactly a week ago tomorrow, Tuesday, will mark one week since I had an SVT (supraventricular tachycardia) episode. I went into the ER that night and treated me with adenosine (which slows the heart way down, almost to a pause and restarts it.)

My blood work, EKG, CAT scan, chest x-rays were normal and healthy.

The doctor said I had an episode of SVT.

SVT is basically when the heart sort of short circuits in away--it emits an extra electrical impulse and send the heart beating 160-200 bpm (even higher in some cases.)

I was at 160bpm for about an hour and half til they got to treating me.

If you know me, I was asking the doctor up a storm of questions.

"Why did this happen?" "Is this life threatening?" "Will it go away?"

Well, first off, it's not life threatening. Apparently, it's a fairly common benign heart condition that is merely an annoyance. 

Pft, annoyance. More like HINDRANCE. God had healed me in the months before from anxiety and mild PTSD--which were onset my mama's passing. 

Then this comes. A heart condition in which its occurrence cannot be predicted nor can it be cured (in the doctor's point of view.) This sent me back to square one.

A familiar foe, anxiety.

I was scared to go out in fear I might have another episode. Anxiety was choking the life out of me.

It robbed me of my joy. It parched my thirst for life and experiencing wonderful things. I felt cold and hopeless. 

This all took place during the last week of the Daniel fast.

Prior to this event, I was doing fantastic. I was waking up in the morning and doing 45 minute cardio workout, I was eating very healthfully etc. I suppose one can say, I was up on "the mountain."

It was a delightful feeling being able to feel again, to feel alive and healthy.

All of that was quickly snatched from me.

I knew that God was doing miraculous work in me (He still is!) and the enemy, of course, wants to destroy that immediately. 

Sadly for me, I realized that I hadn't been giving God the praises He truly deserves. I wasn't testifying to the world and people around me the amazing miracles He has been doing in my life. 

I mean, when people asked me how I was, a testimony wasn't the first thought that came to me.

God does miracles in our lives for a reason. The reason is anything but selfish. It's not for us to keep a secret. A miracle done in our life is meant to be shouted from the roof tops as loud and as frequent as we can!

I appreciate and love hearing the same testimonies in church every few months. Some have been said about 50 times over the passed 10 years. 

I say to them, "KEEP THEM COMING!"

That's why God healed you. That's why God's mended a broken relationship-- to TELL. To change the lives around you through the testifying of God's undeniable mastery. Keep on testifying, even if it's your hundredth time!

Amidst my debilitating anxiety and incurable and unpredictable condition I pleaded with God. I cried out to Him in anger and frustration. I was raw with Him. 

I texted tens of my prayer warrior friends to fight in battle with me for victory in this battle. 

I needed an army of God's people backing me up. That is what I had.

It may have been my 3rd hour praying and reading the Bible and searching testimonies on God's healing for SVT; 

I started to feel weird and a little uncomfortable. Honestly, I was a little scared. All of a sudden, I felt this warmth, this powerful, memorable, electric warmth that penetrated the top half of my body. I did feel scared for a moment but then this peace came over me as that heavy warmth was ebbing and flowing through  me. Then I realized, this is God.

I started praying and thanking God for His healing.
"It's YOU, God," I kept saying over and over.

The moment ended and I was a little confused/confident of what had just happened. 

I could feel that I felt so different than I did 10 minutes prior. 

God had healed me. I knew it because immediately after the warm encounter, the enemy was trying 

to convince me that it never happened and that I was imagining things.

Oh, it happened. God healed me and I want EVERYONE to know. I want those who have a little bit of doubt in their life to doubt no more that God will come though for you if you "sincerely call on Him."

The enemy can't take this healing away. He can't. It belongs to me and the testimony belongs to the world. It is meant to be shouted from the roof tops!

I told God that I don't testify His miracles often enough. 

He's due so much credit from my part. 

He's healed me, He's saved me from SO MANY potential and fatal car accidents, He's saved me from getting a speeding ticket and saved me from a deer running into me. On sleepless nights, I pray and God caresses me with His peace gift of slumber. I lose mundane things like my car keys or an old journal and I find them after asking Him from His assistance. I lose greater things in my life--a loved one, and He lovingly and gently applies His salve on my gaping wounds.

 

Now, I have felt His live, physical healing touch--a supernatural touch.
I believe with ALL my (healthy) heart that what I felt was God healing me from SVT.

I've had one episode but that was enough for me to say, "enough!"

I gave up on looking for "natural remedies" or "coping" with the condition. 

It really just brought on more anxiety than anything. 

I decided I DO NOT want to just cope! 

I don't want a remedy. 

I WANT and DEMAND this condition GONE forever. 

Healed! 

That's when I decided to look up "HEALINGS from SVT" instead of mere remedies. 

People, there is a cure to cancer, blindess, deafness, lame, anxiety, other disorders & SVT; it's Christ blood and YOUR faith and a never-ceasing heart of praise for Him and thanks and prayer to Him. 

I declare I will never have another scary SVT episode ever again. I have a perfectly healthy heart. 

I testify that Christ has healed me forever. I want the whole world to know.

Never stop sharing your testimonies.

A Rare Excerpt

A rare except from The Chronicles of Brit: Vol. 3| Tales for Thou, My Beloved. 

I've been keeping journals ever since I was in 5th grade. I remember my first one. It was a pink velvet Power Puff Girls themed journal with a lock and key. I received it for my birthday. Unfortunately, that journal is no more. I had a moment in middle school where I found it, read it and I thought what I had written in it was so dumb. This resulted in me throwing it into the fire place. Can you say, "awkward years?"

I now have three journals and actively searching for home No. 4 for my thoughts. Vol. 3 is a rare one. Its contents I cannot say. However, upon reading through it last night I came across an entry that I felt to share.

I wrote this a few weeks prior to my mom's passing. The things I wrote may be obvious, but writing it brought me so much comfort. Of course this life is temporary--but I needed that comforting reminder. With that said, my apologies if this post makes no sense. (Sorrynotsorry.)

|The Beginning of the End|

Each minute that passes, passes with unimaginable intensity & mystery now more than ever. Some moments in my day I find it hard to keep anchored on the shores of hope & sanity.

 Jesus wept.

So can I.

I just can't lose hope & joy.

If I do, my life automatically becomes a freight train headed toward a brick wall at full speed. Yeah, that's a disaster. And a disaster is not what I want my life to become.

I know one day the spontaneous episodes of weeping will stop. I hope sooner than later because it really does make me look like a train wreck. 

There's nothing anybody can do when faced with the beginning of the end.

No matter how tenaciously we grip onto our or someone else life; it's just wasted strength & energy.

Our lives are not ours to hold on to; they're not for our specific use.

Throughout the course of our lives society brainwashes our thought process into thinking that the life we have

is for us to have.

That way & scheme of thinking is nothing but a road map to 

the heart of sadness, 

hopelessness &

empty memories...

...population one.

How prideful is it to think this life was made for us to merely live.

Life is more intricate than we could ever imagine.

We were all so delicately planned into existence... for a sole purpose--God's purpose. 

We can't waste our time trying to figure out God's intentions. 

Just be.

Live.

Live by bringing Him glory..

Life isn't permanent.

It's like the grains of beautiful, soft sand slipping away through our fingers.

Temporary. 

This "life" here, in the moment...it's temporary.

That life, that other one that can occur at any moment, I believe that's when LIFE truly begins.

When we enter a realm of perfection, peace & rest.

I'm sitting here writing these words at my favorite coffee shop; leaving my heart open for Jesus to enter, to breath comforting words into my life.

Some may see it as a disaster when the beginning of the end arrives because we're departed from a body we once embraced & saw.

The love we developed in our hearts is everlasting & hopeful... because that's what love is.

It always hopes.

It's the beginning of a new beginning & a new normal. Kiss them farewell, it's been a beautiful journey.

I'll see you soon enough. 

Weapon of gratitiude

^| "In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one."|

--Ephesians 6v16--

Right now, I should be studying real estate law.

But, when the urge to write storms through me, I. Must. Write.

These past seven months have been an excruciating challenge. I feel like I say that in every one of my posts.

It's funny, hilarious even, when people tell me, "oh it'll get easier." I appreciate their kind intentions behind their gesture, but that statement is false. My life without my mom will never ever, ever, ever get easier. Not matter what anyone says. 

 In the beginning of this pain stricken journey, I was shattered into a million un-mend-able pieces. I was found by this Man who lovingly, and tenderly and patiently pieced me back together. He had reconstructed me into a form stronger than what I was before. 

Of course, we know the enemy loves destroying things, wreaking havoc, and breaking things. Well, to say the least, he saw the wonderful things Christ made out of my brokenness and just struck me down again. 

This cycle continued.

It continued up to my "final straw" moment. 

The enemy attacked me more harshly than every before. I was sucked into a mind-set of hopelessness. I literally felt like I was without God. I was filled with terror, depression, sorrow, fear... but the strongest was hopelessness.

When illness and tragedy befall a person without God and hope of His sovereignty all they have left to face is pain, and a nice green lot at the cemetery.

Life... just ends.

Joy ends. 

Love ends.

Laughing ends. 

Feeling ends.

Family ends.

Hope ends.

Hope. Less.

That's scary. That WAS scary. All those emotions, I have felt.

 Thank God for the mighty army of prayer warrior friends I have in my life. Thank God that he really hears His children's cries and pleads for help. The most supernatural feeling I have ever felt came over me--like I was being washed anew & being filled with a warm light.

I began thanking God. I began praising God.

I was thanking God for all He had done for me. I was praising God for all the blessings and promises He is and will be fulfilling in my life. 

Best part is, this all scared the enemy. 

Praise and thanks literally SCARE the enemy away.

He hates that God has given me this powerful testimony of His undoubtable power.

He hates my faith in Christ.

And I want everyone to know that. 

The enemy's attack only made me stronger.

My AK-47 is me giving thanks to God--my shield of faith. Seriously, try it! What do you have to lose?

Now, I am entering another trial.

This year, the holidays are looming before me and not prancing with joy before me. I'm dreading this Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years. I'm honestly convinced it will suck terribly this year. I can't even enjoy "Jingle Bells." I love Jingle bells. I love Christmas. I love everything about the holidays. Just the one thing I love the most isn't here at the moment. 

More to come as the holidays draw near. I'll defeat that turd of a devil.

I part with this:

"Give thanks to The Lord for he IS GOOD..."

truly He is. I can testify to that.

 

I Went to Heal. But I Was Healed.

This August 2013, I feel in love.

I feel in love with not just one person but many.

A country, even.

More so, I feel in deeper love with my God. I saw His majesty and glory 36,000 feet up in the night sky. I've never seen a more beautiful sight. I've never felt so close to the cosmos.

A tingling in the back of my neck woke me up from my sleep on the airplane.

That night, I had a front row seat to the most beautiful lighting storm and meteor shower. 

I felt like I was that much closer to the dwelling of God.

I was part of the medical team in Haiti. I went there expecting help and heal.

In return, I was the one that was healed.

This mission was deeper than fulfilling The Great Commission. It had a greater purpose, for me, than helping the people of God and feeding our brothers and sisters.

Usually, when people sign up for mission trips, they're excited and pumped and just totally ready to go.

I signed up with vulnerability, fear and anxiety pumping fiercely though my veins. The loud, menacing voice of anxiety sang its familiar tune of lies. 

I walked straight across the flaming coals, not looking back, to the left or right. I headed forth strong.

It was weeks before our departure. The money for room and board and airfare were due soon. 

Now, mind you, I went into this blindly, not looking back, not considering if I'm financially OK to go (which I sure wasn't.)

God put it on someone-who-shall-remain-unidentifed's heart to write me a check to cover my room & board expenses. All of it. Not some of it. All of it. 

A few days later, I receive a text saying that my airfare had been covered. God's providence had truly shone!

I believe God hand-picked me to go. He knew my heart and life needed healing.

I came back bandaged (spiritually) and in the process of mending wounds from an ongoing war since March.

I came home with a new found strength. A new, stronger faith.

And the enemy did not like this.

After coming back from Haiti, I was sad to have to settle back into my own reality again. I missed Haiti. I missed my missionary family. I missed the freedom I felt while there. 

I forgot what anxiety felt like in Haiti. And I forgot how it felt like when I came home.

The experience in Haiti and the volumes at which I heard God had been a salve to my gaping wound. 

The enemy started to do anything in his weak, pathetic, sleazeball power to crush this healing and strength.

He tried. He attacked. He whispered lies into my mind and heart. He tried to take away what God had done in me.

To be transparent in the name of Jesus with the cyber world, the enemy attacked me with fear that was just crippling. One that I had never felt before. I prayed so hard, SO hard. I tried to read the Bible. The more I read it, the more scared I got (what the heck!) 

It was like a storm of the century. Winds of lies whirling in my mind. Earthquakes of fear and uncertainty trembled through my heart. The enemy, stomping his supposed victory dance on my life.

Amidst the lies and blows, I heard a familiar, comforting voice.

 The still, small voice.

That one, I can always trust.

He told me to text a good friend of mine that had gone through similar life experience. I did.

They fought alongside me in prayer. Despite the distance, I literally felt the warmth of their prayers.

And then they sent me this:

|"God, you are my God. 

I search for you.

I thirst for you like someone in a dry, empty land

where there is no water.

I have seen you the Temple

and have seen your strength and glory.

Because your love is better than life,

I will praise you.

I will praise you as long as I live.

I will lift up my hands in prayer to your name.

I will be content as if I had eaten the best foods,

My lips will sing, and my mouth will praise you,

I remember you while I'm lying in bed;

I think about you through the night.

You are my help.

Because of your protection, I sing.

I stay close to you;

you support me with your right hand."|

--Psalm 63v1-8--

I was told that David wrote this Psalm while he was in a desert.

How sweet it is to know that The Lord's love truly is better than life itself.

How timely God intervenes in our darkest, ugliest moments with the most loving, comforting reply. 

That's it. That's life! "I will praise you as long as I live."

His love and grace is sufficient.

The enemy did not like the healing and strength that was poured over me in Haiti. So much so that he took a swing at me.

Blessed as I am, I have an army of prayer warriors to fight him off.

Fight on. 

The answer is {no}

|"Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?'"|

-John 11v25-26-

This week someone asked me, "is it harder for you now?"

Is it harder now that my mom is no longer a part of the physical world? My answer is no.

Absolutely, it's tough. I'm human, I cry, I get angry and confused and ask dumb questions like, "why?" What's challenging about all this are the adjustments I'm facing and pure lies the enemy throws at me daily: "loner!" "You have no mom." "Everyone is pitying you." "Coming home to an empty house again!" "How can you say you're blessed?" Constant reminders that I'm physically motherless.

Lies.

I miss her. It's still so surreal-- like this is a bad dream. That's the tough part. I find myself alone and amidst the silence, the ugly reality sets in. But this is a different kind of reality. It's a dark, scary, hopeless one. One where death is simply... death. 

In the name of Jesus I pray those thoughts away. Jesus clearly says that if we believe in him we "will never die." Those who have died are indeed alive.

It makes me so happy to know my mom is indeed alive, happy, pain-free and young again. She didn't die, she became alive. Her life has finally started; she's living the life that God intended for us to live many years ago.

Waiting is hard. 

In the months that I ardently prayed for healing, I simply was waiting. Waiting to see God's next move. I'd say those last few weeks were the absolute hardest of my life. 

The sound of the ticking clocks in my house began to taunt me (they still do, in a way, to this day) knowing that each second brought us closer to an unknown tomorrow.

I'm so happy for my mom. She doesn't need to feel the pain of this physical world anymore.

I believe--I know-- that there is a greater destination. I know the kingdom of God is drawing nearer every day. When someone so close to you is so close to the actual being of Christ, you can feel heaven so much more closer than before. 

It's been lonely, yes, because we all know that "mom is where home is." Home to me is no longer the habitation made of wood and sheet-rock in Troutdale, Oregon. It's not home because my mom isn't here. My home is now in a wonderful, heavenly dwelling. I'm SO excited for the rapture, you have no idea!

God has been so good to me and has been the anchor to my soul more than ever before. Daily I'm learning how to lean on him, feed my soul and bury the fallen kernels and simply watch something new grow.

|Awaiting the New Body|

2 Corinthians 5v1-10 (NIV)

|"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.

Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothedinstead with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  

Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord.For we live by faith, not by sight. .We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.  

So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."|